Orbit
by amcl23
Summary: A look into Tony's life and Ziva's situation a year in the future. **Please see A/N for warning**
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own any of the people in this piece. And I definitely do not own Wikipedia. Please forgive any inaccuracies because I only glanced at some of the technical science-y information**

**I am TIVA all the way, this is just a reaction to the stupid news ** spoiler spoiler spoiler** that Marisol Nichols will be reprising her role on NCIS, and where that situation may end up. Boo. **

**I much prefer reading fan fiction than writing it, but I couldn't resist. If anyone would like to drop a review that would be helpful, please no flames, I already said I was TIVA all the way. I would like to do a longer TIVA piece, but all of my thoughts are haphazard and hand written, so if anyone wants to pitch in a hand with beta-ing or collaborating, please drop me a message. **

**Also, this was kind of spurred by a West Wing fanfic series titled Exit Strategy (on AO3) by Ryo Sen and Jo March. No harm meant. **

** Edited to add a few lines and for errors.**

_Winter 2015_

Tony never used to be so introspective. He knows he should see it as a sign he has grown up, and can appreciate the clarity that self-reflection and examination can bring, but damn it, sometimes he just wants his brain to shut down. He really only regards his thoughts in this manner when he thinks of _her_. He will not say she is the one that got away, or that she was anything more than a best friend, a partner. And he sure as hell never admitted to anyone the depth of his feelings even though they probably had a general idea. For Christ's sake, he never knew exactly how deep his feelings went until he had no choice in their situation. It is times like these, when he can't sleep despite the evening prior was spent eating good food, drinking good wine, and having fantastic sex with Zoe that Tony cannot help but think about how he got to where he is right now.

He thinks his whatever-ship with Ziva was like a supernova. He only knows what a supernova is because Abby once explained it, and there are probably a lot more facts than what he retained, but he still thinks the parallel is fitting. Like the stars of a supernova, he and Ziva had always ended up orbiting each other and exploded together when they finally crashed. Following their explosion, they would drift apart only to start the process all over again. They didn't explode together in the well-known physical sense, and sometimes the explosions were smaller compared to other points in their history, but still there was fire. He briefly wonders if their ending has an astronomical equivalent as well.

When he thinks about his relationship with Zoe, he instantly feels bad. He cannot compare the two relationships at all, for the fact that his and Ziva's friendship was always just that, a friendship built from a partnership. True, their whatever-ship was intense and intimate more than not, but that is all that ever occurred. They never had the opportunity to explore anything further. Despite all that, they still lit up the sky when they crashed against one another.

Tony loves Zoe, he really does. While he and Zoe do not explode, they do create heat which he is thankful for. He believes he is in love with her (as much as he can be), and they are moving forward in their lives together, but sometimes he has doubts- momentary lapses in reality. He knows what it is to feel an all-encompassing love for someone, and he really has tried to have that with Zoe, except it will never be like that with her. He realized a while ago that it will never be like that with anyone except Ziva. And Tony is pretty much _okay_ with that. He thinks it is actually a relief to be able to not completely lose yourself in another person, for his happiness to depend on the other person's mere existence. He is gratified by his work, and satisfied by his love. He is not gluttonous enough to want for more, because more could only be had with Ziva. He doesn't know if that would even be a possibility after all the shit he went through after Ziva left. It took so much time, too much time to recover from the hole she left in his life. He knows why she left, hell, he even understands some of it but it took Tony over a year to move on from her and sew up the tear in his heart.

Before he continues down that path, he gets out of bed and heads to the kitchen, because he cannot have these thoughts about Ziva while his soon-to-be fiancée is sleeping right beside him.

He should be thinking of Zoe and their future together, but he shifts back to the thought process he started just a moment ago. He knows Ziva left a scar on his being, a 'Z' etched onto him as if Ziva and Zorro used the same branding techniques, but he is past that now (for the most part). The scar itches on rare occasions but he never goes so far as to start scratching at it, possibly opening up old wounds. Not now, now that his life is finally on track at forty-fucking-five years old.

He thinks about Zoe again, or rather him and Zoe, and what they have. It may not rival the supernova qualities of him and Ziva, but it is still _okay_, good even. He and Zoe have a love more like the sun, showering the earth's sky in light and burning bright enough to see day in and day out. The sun, much like him and Zoe, burns steady on most days. The sun, like Zoe warms him on cold days and makes him smile (some days) and turns his nose red when he gets too much of it. Barring the end of the world, the sun will be there, day in and day out. Zoe will be there too, and that says _something_ because all of the other women in his life have left him. Tony is grateful that he has found stability, if not predictability in his life. Just as he has accepted the fact that an apocalypse will not be occurring anytime soon (but would he even get advance warning if it did?), he has _resigned _himself to the fact that this is his life, his future, and he is assured by that. No one, not even Gibbs would be able to tell that he is merely _content_ as opposed to _happy_.

He finishes the glass of water he poured himself and makes his way back to the bedroom and slips inside the sheets, trying not to wake Zoe. Careful as he might be, she wakes anyway and turns to him and says "Hey, everything okay?"

Tony instantly feels guilty about his thoughts from just a few minutes prior and presses a kiss to the side of her mouth and answers, "Yeah everything is just fine. Go back to sleep, Zo." And as they adjust themselves around each other, Tony thinks to himself that everything really is just _fine_, and he is _okay_ with that. He and Zoe have their moments of greatness with each other, but it will never be like it was with Ziva. Tony finds that he has accepted the fact that this is his life, his future, and he is _okay_ with that too. He has to be, otherwise he will never be okay, and _he_ will break and no one would be able to piece him back together again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Updated after 12.7, I promise this whole thing is going somewhere (possibly in a separate story). Reviews are helpful. As I said before, I am 100000 % TIVA. May not seem like it, but I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head. I own nothing.**

_Winter 2015_

Ziva can't sleep. She is typically able to fall asleep at the end of an exhausting day, but for some reason, not tonight. She supposes it is the aftermath of the adrenaline from the evening's events and the strong espresso she had earlier that is preventing her slumber. She knew she shouldn't have let her bartender, Diego, talk her into it, but he makes an amazing cup, and it was needed at the time.

Ziva uses these rare moments to think about her life. How far she has come in just over two years. When she thinks about the previous phase of her life, she thinks about the similarities between her and Wendy Darling. She doesn't think for a second that they are complete parallels, but she can find common ground with the themes. NCIS was her Neverland. She left to grow up, or in Ziva's case, to grow into the person that she wanted to be. Truth is, Ziva herself is still not quite sure who she ultimately _needs_ to be to stop consciously considering it, but she is well on the way to realization.

As she takes stock of all that she has accomplished since 2013, her mind wanders back to Tony. She likens the Tony that she first met to that of Peter, but Tony did grow up and mature before she left. She doesn't carry the analogy over to her relationships with the rest of her former team and family, just her whatever-ship with Tony.

She sometimes wonders if Tony really understood what he was truly asking her when he made the plea to return_ with_ him. She knew he had feelings for her, and a deep love that was not completely platonic, but also not anything clear enough to put a different label on. She was too cautious to even consider the type of future she and Tony could have had. If she had gone back to DC with him, she would still know all the same things. She would never have been able to let go of the badge if she had been with Tony. NCIS is his home, and she did not want to pull him away from a job that he loves just because she didn't want any part of it anymore. Being an NCIS agent is a part of who he is, and she couldn't ask him to hide that part of himself from her just so she would not feel bad, or even regretful. It would have put a horrible strain on their relationship. Not to mention that her entire Washington family worked with each other, and there would be no escape from the melancholies that exist in that life. She does not doubt that she and Tony would have made an effort, and maybe would have even worked out in the long-run, but it would always be one of them sacrificing a huge part of their beings to appease the other. The relationship would only survive because Tony would feel responsible, if not guilty, and Ziva would feel the same way for different reasons. Sure, they would love each other, but would it be worth everything else? On days when she feels the regret start to seep through her defenses, the bad days, Ziva thinks 'probably'. On the good days where she is so full of the moment and she cannot believe she ever regretted anything in her life before, she thinks 'absolutely not'.

She _knows_ how much her decision not to go back to the US hurt Tony. It hurt her too, not to mention Gibbs, and the rest of her NCIS clan. She remembers that last time she spoke to Gibbs, and she sometimes wishes her life had evolved just a little bit differently. Perhaps one less _violent_ death in her family, one less mission, one more weekend with friends, one more chance to shape herself instead of how her father ultimately influenced her. She would have maybe ended up in the same place, but it would have been her setting the pace to reach the finish instead of trying to keep up with life.

As Ziva quietly prepares for bed, washing her face and brushing her teeth, she looks into her bedroom. Mateo is sleeping. She never would have before allowed anyone into her home without her being there, but times have changed. She no longer has a direct link to terrorists, intelligence organizations, or any international conspiracies to have to hide information on. She no longer has to be careful about who she comes in contact with because _that_ Ziva David is gone. Sure, she still has a few friends with Mossad, and even though she made it abundantly clear that she would have no part of the service, she can still call on a few people, and they can call on her.

Now Ziva is the Israeli import to Spain, a bar owner, a student, a caring person without anything more pressing to worry about than profits versus expenditures at the bar, her exams, and her friend's upcoming wedding. And that is _okay_. Sometimes, she wishes for the adrenaline rush of years past, but that is quickly mollified by rock climbing or riding her Ducati and exploring new areas. She did discover that she loves rollercoasters, and really, anything that goes fast, and she is okay to keep that part of herself. Some things you just cannot forget or unlearn. She knows it may seem like it to the people she last left behind two years ago, but she does consider them, does wish for their health and happiness.

She knows Gibbs understood, even though she knows he wished she had made a different decision. She sent him a father's day card last year and this year. The cards didn't say anything special, just a generic, no-frills card she found a store (in English, thankfully), and all she wrote on the inside of it was 'Thanks'. She knows Gibbs would know she sent it without having to write her name, and when she is more settled, maybe if she does get married, he would be willing to walk her down the aisle. True, Schmiel would be willing, but it would mean so much more if it were to be Gibbs to perform such an act. She is not sure if she even has that right anymore.

All of that is for naught right now, because there are no plans to go that route with Mateo just yet. They have only been together seven months, but it has been wonderful and _good_. Their biggest obstacle is finding time between their schedules to see one another, and their religion. Mateo's family would have a problem with him marrying a Jewish woman, and while she does not care all too much, she does understand their perspective.

She tries not to take stock of her life too often, because she then has to think about how she ended up where she is, and she has to recount a truly painful time in her life. She left her Neverland to find her future. And she is _fine_ with how that decision turned out. She does not, _cannot_ think about how much happier she maybe could have been if she had ended up with Tony, because some things are too heart-wrenching to consider. One of the wills on her 'I Will' list was 'I will not doubt myself or my decisions'. That list is still buried in Beer Sheva, but thanks to her photographic memory, she is able to recall it anytime she pleases. Her ability to recall with perfect clarity her list helps her move forward each day, so as to not think of maybe how happy she and they could have been.


End file.
